What I can’t control

I have struggled with anxiety since the night I saw the ultrasound of my daughter at 12 weeks. I’m not sure exactly why, from what I can gather, I think it’s the realization that I am solely responsible for the well-being and security of my family. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t just become a father, but also the sole-provider for my household, transitioned to a new job, and took on a huge building project in finishing over 600 sq ft of living space in my basement. No matter what it was, I started feeling a sense of present fear. It was something I hadn’t felt before. I have referenced it on my blog before.

This past month I have the most hope that I have had since first dealing with this fear. That hope largely lies in my faith.

I tried to control my thoughts, but that wasn’t helpful. I think because the fear is in my heart. You see, my mind cannot convince my heart that I’m ok. My mind listens to whatever my heart is feeling, and goes with it. So I cannot heal myself. I cannot stop my anxiety, nor can I control it. When I try I get even more overwhelmed and freaked out.

I can only seek the one who can. The one who created me and knows the inner-workings of my heart and my mind. God is my only security. There is nothing I can do with my hands to make myself feel better. I can have $100k in the bank and still get hit by a car and be paralized or worse.

Nothing will make me secure except him. I know in my head that everything is fine and nothing is going to happen to me or those I care about, but not in my heart. I’ve learned that the only way to know in my heart what I know in my head is to understand the one who can speak to my heart: Jesus.

I’ve been going through a book called “Developing Intimacy with God“, which is great. It teaches you to spend time with God learning his person, not analyzing yourself and your failings (which I have done for years and would like to elaborate more about later). It’s refreshing to spend time with God and realize his grace and love. It’s in this peace and security that I want to live. I want to live knowing that I am loved by God.